before you kill your idols...

charles_atlas @ 2004-02-21T18:26:00

2004-02-21T23:26:44Z

For one reason or another I decided to create a new journal.

___14159

Add me there if you want.

in the hanging garden

2004-02-19T19:40:32Z

Leaving pretty soon to go back to New York. I drew more people today, yes, because I went with Mom to both of her classes. In the time that I've been up here, a lot of people have assumed that I was of college age - asking if I was an art major, if I was my mother's T.A. (not knowing I'm her daughter), or just being incredibly surprised upon discovering that I'm just a freshman in high school. ("Are you serious? I thought you were in college!") That all makes me feel good.

Besides thoughts of California, my mind has also been filled with thoughts of Dante Sigona recently.

Those aren't the best pictures of him, but they're the only ones that I knew the URLs for. ::sighs wistfully:: Oh, Dante..

blurry images fight their way through halfway opened eyes

2004-02-18T17:29:31Z

Part of my toenail got ripped off when I was participating in an African dancing and drumming class last night with my mother. It was bleeding. I didn't notice it until I had to put my shoes on. It doesn't hurt, only when I put too much pressure on either the upper or lower part of my big toe. Aiieee.

I kind of like being up here. I can draw people. There's some pretty and artsy-type young men here who look like they should really be in New York City or some place in California, not Massachusets. All skinny and tall and dressed in somewhat Urban Outfitters-esque clothing and beaten up Vans old skool slip-ons. Did I say they were pretty? Yes.

I have a new goal in life. I want to be like Dante Sigona. I'm going to be very good at bass and I'll wear a lot of make-up. And I'll make people melt. I'll just look at them and they'll melt, and then I'll laugh at the fact that I can do that. I'll be taller and thinner than I am now and so gorgeous. So..I'll be a female Dante Sigona who makes people melt. Maybe if I get lucky people will write fanfics about me. The only downfall is that they probably wouldn't be slash, maybe femslash, but slash with boys is so much nicer, methinks. But I have no plans to get a sex change as of yet. I'm rather content with being a girl, thankyouverymuch. Although being Dante Sigona - the male version - wouldn't be bad. And I wouldn't say no to being Davey Havok, or Jade Puget. And I would be a lovely gay man, really, I would.

charles_atlas @ 2004-02-14T17:54:00

2004-02-14T22:54:38Z

I guess my walk wasn't that bad, I don't know..it sort of was. I went up to 37th St. by the East River first. (Afterwards I went to the UN at 44th Street and then turned around to walk home.) At the river, I sat on a bench and looked at the water. My grandparents' ashes are in there somewhere. I started crying. Mom always said that she was so, so sorry my grandparents weren't alive because we would've had a great relationship. I wish that they were alive, too, or that I'd at least been able to meet them instead of staring at the body of water in which their remnants are contained, or looking at photographs, or wearing my grandmother's dresses, imagining I was her.

Then I thought about Manny, Emanuel..my third or fourth cousin but really like my grandfather. I'm so fortunate in that I was able to know him. He was, in every way, an amazing man. I miss him so much.

And I started thinking about things which I haven't thought much about recently. I thought about my stalker, about that whole incident. I immediately felt guilty. Why should I feel bad about that whole thing when nothing really happened to me? (His hand only reached so far as an inch or two above my right knee.) There are people who have had it so much worse. I was lucky.

I remember that when I'd tell someone about it, they would always proceed to tell me how stupid it was of me to trust him, and how they would have done something different, how the signs were right there that this man wasn't to be trusted. They told me that I should've done this or that, that they couldn't believe I hadn't been suspicious of him at all until he started touching my leg when we were in Barnes & Nobles. I felt awful. I still can't believe that I was so naive and so trusting of a complete stranger and so idiotic.

I remember him leaving a message on the answering machine at my father's house. He said my name once, letting the last 'A' drag on for a little while, like, "Aiyanaaa..." before there were a few seconds of silence, and then hanging up. I lied to my father and said it was Lucas calling me, all the while knowing who it really was. I remember a lot of things. And I know that I was so close to being hurt or having something bad happen to me. I let him into my apartment and I even showed him my room.

I wonder what the significance is of makig this entry a public one. I guess I want attention? But that's not really it. I feel lonely. I want people to understand me. I want an old friend to talk to. I want to speak to Lucas, and tell him all of this..and I want to spend time with him, and we can cook and eat and walk around and reminisce about our childhoods and marvel at the fact that we're still best friends after over ten years. I want someone to talk to.

charles_atlas @ 2004-02-14T15:41:00

2004-02-14T20:41:27Z

I am...ugh, just so annoyed and disappointed right now. I remember when certain people used to claim edge or were at least completely clean, whether or not they considered themselves straight edge. And now, oh yeah, let's go spend as much money as we can buying drugs and acquiring as many free drugs as we can for the purpose of striving to be like others or winning acceptance. It's not called "being yourself," as one could claim for means of justification.

Original plans for today have dissipated, but perhaps I can hang out with..I don't know, someone. Maybe Lucas is free. No, he'll probably be doing something with Olivia. I must think harder..

Eh, I'll go for a walk. I might walk up to Times Square again, like I did a few weeks ago. Sounds good. Shall take camera and CD player with me.

i'm not in your afterlife, oh, ghost of mine!

2004-02-12T01:13:45Z

Today, both in school and out, I was thinking about why I made my journal a friends only journal in the first place. I used to talk about "personal" things in my journal, which I still do, but not anything that I need to hide at this point. I've since come to the conclusion that at the moment, there is very little going on in my life that needs to be protected from RL friends and such.

So this'll be a semi-public journal from now on, I guess. Phoebe ought to be pleased. I still like my "friends only" image, because Chris #2's face is pleasant to look at, so I'll be keeping that up.

Today I pasted paper bag hearts onto an envelope for Becka. The hearts were scraps from the card I made her, which I shall send tomorrow if I can remember to do so. I bit Jonathan's neck and he bit mine. He's still creepy. I gave kisses to my wife. I also made horns out of chicken wire in my art class because Phoebe, for some reason, cannot manage chicken wire or wire cutters very well. I watched Lily disappear with scary people. She's happy, so I'm happy for her, but how long will this last?

I am also now obliged to go to Union Square on Friday - can't say I'm looking forward or not looking forward to that. Seeing people whom you haven't seen in a while is always good.

I don't want her to completely disappear. That won't happen. I'll make sure of it.

(ooh, that sounded very suspicious and evil.)

charles_atlas @ 2004-02-09T19:18:00

2004-02-10T00:18:03Z

REDEMPTION 87 IS HAVING A BUNCH OF REUNION SHOWS IN CALIFORNIA.

SHIT.

GodIwishIlivedinCalifornia. Soooo badly.

charles_atlas @ 2003-06-22T21:34:00

2003-06-23T01:37:05Z

If you can't see the image:
this journal is friends only, so comment if you want be added. If you're a RL friend, don't necessarily expect to get added back. Sorry about that.

-Aiyana